Twins
Sep 30, 2006 8:52 AM
Twins, twins, twins. I just wanted to write about twins today.
When I was a little girl I was fascinated by twins. I would draw paper doll twins, make up stories about them and I secretly hoped someday I would have twins. I just loved babies and thought what could be more fun than having two at the same time? I remember when I a teenager looking through all my grandma’s binders of clipping she had saved. She saved a whole binder full of multiples (mostly twins). It was so fun to look at all the pictures and read the stories. My grandma had always hoped she would have twins. She even had “twin” names picked out if she ever did (I think they even rhymed, which is a little extreme for me, but many people like that). My grandmother has six living children, one premature son who was way too early to even be close to having a chance of survival, and so many miscarriages I don’t remember the number. She thinks she may have carried triplets once(miscarriage) and also possible twins(she had bled and bled and lost a large mass of some sort…she however carried a baby to full term who weighed twelve pounds…she thinks she may have been carrying two, but lost one).
In all of my extended family no one has twins. My extended family is quite large and very close. My first cousin once removed is my age as is a second cousin, but we all feel like first cousins. When Paul and I found out that we were expecting a baby everyone was so excited!! My parents were excited because this would be their first grandchild. Both sets of my grandparents were excited because this would be their first great grandchild. My great-great-grandmother was excited because this would be her first great-great grandchild. When we found out we were having twins everyone was super excited. We recorded everyone’s reactions when we told them on the phone. We still have those recordings. It was a time of great excitement and fun. I was a little worried, but I felt so blessed and had faith that everything would work out. I just couldn’t believe that “I” would be the mother of twins. My childhood dream was coming true! My neighbor and her daughter (who was my matron of honor) brought over two matching outfits and card the day I found out we were having two. My aunt started planning a huge baby shower, and a lady in my church started planning one also. My pregnancy ended before the showers ever happened.
My grandmother was so excited and bragged to everyone she came in contact with; she is the type that can make friends with anyone from anywhere. She immediately started buying twin things. So did my mom. When I was in the hospital trying to keep the boys inside longer my grandma and my aunt went out and bought probably a dozen matching outfits. She sent them in a box and my mom hung them up across my hospital room for me to see...to give me hope. I still have Jacob’s outfits with the tags on them. I couldn’t bear to use them for Joshua, besides he already had his own…why have two the same? When I had my third son (he is now fifteen months old) I pulled out the baby boy clothes and there they were again...still untouched with the tags still on. I still couldn’t bear to use them. They are still there in a container. I don’t think they will ever get used. I tried to give them away, but I couldn’t do that either. I also was given the pile of flannel that my grandma had bought to make blankets for the boys…two of each. When my twins were born, my grandma and aunt rushed to the hospital (it was about six hours away). When Jacob died, they were there with us. So were my parents and Paul’s parents. My grandma’s heart broke. Her dream of twins was shattered. She held my little son and wept. Everyone wept.
My great-great grandmother was so happy when she found out we were having twins. She was 95 years old when I was pregnant with the twins. It had been her hope that one of her descendents would have twins because her grandfather had had two sets of them. Since those two sets no one had had any multiples. The first set of twins were born around March 25, 1895. Their mother (my great-grandmother’s grandma) died two days later. Both twins (girls) died about five months later. The second set was born to my great-great-great grandfather’s second wife. One twin (the boy) died before he reached a year and the girl twin lived to old age. I am my great grandma’s oldest great granddaughter, so it was really special to be carrying the long wanted twins. I remember going out to visit my great grandma when I was pregnant. I was so sick (nausea) on the drive there. I sat down next to her and she reached right over to feel my tummy. When I had the boys early, and then Jacob died I felt like I kind of let everyone down. I don’t feel that way anymore, and I know they didn’t expect anything. But it was disappointing and heartbreaking for everyone. My great grandma was so worried about them when they came early. She prayed and prayed. I remember my aunt telling me that grandma saw them standing so tall in missionary suits. My great grandmother is now 100 years old and has been on the point of death fro a couple months…. When she finally leaves this earth, I know she will see my son Jacob, one of the twins she had hoped for.
My husband has two sets of twin boy cousins. When Jacob died, his uncle and aunt brought their twin boys to Jacob’s funeral. It really hurt to see those two boys, especially since they were identical like mine were. I know they didn’t think it would hurt us…they are so sweet. What could they have done…leave there little boys home just because they happened to be twins? I don’t think so. Regardless, when ever I see his cousins, it reminds me of what my Joshua is missing out on…and what we are missing out on.
I see twins everywhere. It seems like they follow me. Get this….my daughter is in gymnastics. In her first class there were identical twin girls. I became friends with their mom. She recently got moved up to a different class. I was talking to one of the moms and the mom is an identical twin. In my daughter’s ballet/tap class there are twin girls in her class. This last week when I was visiting with one of the moms I found out that she was a twin herself. Then in walks a mom pushing a double stroller. I looked back and she had the cutest little identical twin baby boys. Last week when I was shopping I saw identical twin baby boys. I remember one day in particular when I saw three sets in the same store!!!!!!!!! We have had several different families over for dinner. We got to be good friends with one couple. We found out that the husband is an identical twin. We invited another couple over…that husband is an identical twin. We invited another couple over and that husband has a twin sister. There are two sets of twins (children) in our church. Many women at church are either married to a twin, had twins, or have twin grandchildren. At Joshua’s therapy a mom I was talking to has two sets of twins. I feel so surrounded by twins. At first it was really hard when I would see or hear about twins. I would cry. I remember once sitting in the NICU next to Joshua’s warmer. He was in his own special room because he was the sickest baby. I looked out the door and saw two new babies being brought in the NICU. Soon after, the excited family members filed in to look at the perfect baby girls. They were not born extremely early and needed no help to breath. I could tell they would quickly leave the NICU. I looked and my sick little Joshua. He was all alone. He was so sick and so small. He would never have his brother with him. They couldn’t wrestle like they did inside of me. They would never sleep in the same bed, play the same games…be best friends. I looked back out and that family was so happy. I felt so sad. It was a real struggle. I remember sitting there trying to make myself feel happy for that family. Since then things have gotten much better.
My uncle and his wife had a hard time conceiving a much wanted child. Finally they did. I was talking to my grandma and mentioned that I hope they have twins because they tried for so long and what if they never had another pregnancy. My grandma said, “No…they can’t, we are all waiting for you to have another set of twins first.” My mom has also had a really hard time dealing with others having twins or seeing twins. Currently she is able to deal with seeing them better. Inside though I think it will always sting a little. She misses her grandbaby so much that it hurts. Every time the twin’s birthday is here she gives me a little present in remembrance of Jacob. I know a lady who lost one of her twins to SIDS. She is never happy when someone has twins. It is very hard for her. It used to seem kind of strange to me…now I can understand why she felt the way she did. She hoped to have twins again, but she never did. When two of my cousins were expecting they had to have an extra ultrasound because they were measuring large for dates. They were suspected to have twins. No one told me, until later, because they didn’t want me to feel bad. As it turns out they didn’t have twins and neither did my uncle. I have really tried to feel happy for those blessed to have twins and have them live.
I would love to have twins again someday, but you can’t really control that. When I was pregnant with my daughter and then my youngest son, I hoped for twins…but it didn’t happen. I don’t want to replace my Jacob- Joshua duo, nothing ever could, but I still have those dreams of having two little babies at a time. I want to prove I can carry them longer than 25 weeks. I want to experience seeing them play together and be so close. In all actuality, it probably will never happen. I will always and forever be a mother of twins…even if they are not both with me here on this earth. In my religion we believe in an after life. We believe that we can be with our families again. We also have a belief that parents, if they follow God’s plan the best they can, will have the opportunity to raise their little children who have died. These things may sound odd and different, but I only share them so you can understand why I wrote some of the things I did. I look forward to the day I can see both of my twin sons next to each other, being the friends they were meant to be. Perhaps Jacob looks down on Joshua now.
When I am out and about, People always ask me if Joshua and Hannah are twins. They are the same weight, nearly the same height and have the exact same coloring. They are nearly two years apart, but Joshua is physically and emotionally behind. Hannah is tall for her age and mentally above her age. She is three and I have had people ask if she was six! In a way it makes me happy that people think they are twins (they certainly act like it) because it kind of fills that hole. In a way it makes me feel sad because I am supposed to have two older boys, not just one…and Hannah and Josh are not twins. I don’t want to force that role on them. When people ask me if they are twins it is hard to respond…I usually say, “No…these two are not each other’s twin, but my son here is a twin…we lost his twin brother at two days.” Then they are usually quiet or start asking questions. I never want my children to forget Jacob. I never want Josh to forget he has a twin brother. I don’t think they ever will.
I found two old journal entries that I wrote when Joshua was a baby. I thought I would share them and then finally end my twin blog.
August 31, 2001
There’s a big family here that just had twins. They are all so happy; I am sad. I miss my family, I miss my Jacob – I miss the dreams I had that can never be –
Today a lady asked me what my babies’ middle names were. I couldn’t remember Jacob’s at first. It made me feel terrible inside – like I was already forgetting him. It doesn’t even seem like he was here with me sometimes. It was so brief and I was so drugged up.
But I know he was because I saw him and his brother on the ultrasound. I felt him kick me – he was the more active one. I sang to them and they responded. On the 4th of July, they moved when they heard the fireworks.
Mom and Paul saw both of them born. They saw Jacob moving and heard Joshua cry.
I held my Jacob Andrew in my arms as he died – he looked at me when I spoke to him. He died looking at me.
He is real and he was here – it just seems like he wasn’t sometimes. God will let me have him back someday –then perhaps I can see my two boys –the boys I saw in my mind as tall, strong and valiant missionaries – Someday I’ll see them together again. All things will be made right and whole again.
February 14, 2002
Sometimes I wonder why…why are some people able to carry quadruplets or triplets or even septuplets and all their babies survive? How come their bodies could hold in 3-7 babies and mine couldn’t even hold in two? It doesn’t seem quite fair. I always see pictures of identical twins and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have my two boys, Jacob and Joshua, laying next to each other in their crib playing with each other and smiling and talking to one another. I still wish I could have those two cars eats in the back of my car. Maybe Heavenly Father will bless me with twins again---they would never replace my Joshua and Jacob duo or take the place of my lost son, but it might help fulfill those dreams I had. I find comfort in knowing Paul and I will be able to raise Jacob someday – my aching arms will be full.
Twins, twins, twins! I am sure many of you have felt and do feel the same way I have about your deceased children. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It has helped me a lot to share my thoughts.
Tiffany
When I was a little girl I was fascinated by twins. I would draw paper doll twins, make up stories about them and I secretly hoped someday I would have twins. I just loved babies and thought what could be more fun than having two at the same time? I remember when I a teenager looking through all my grandma’s binders of clipping she had saved. She saved a whole binder full of multiples (mostly twins). It was so fun to look at all the pictures and read the stories. My grandma had always hoped she would have twins. She even had “twin” names picked out if she ever did (I think they even rhymed, which is a little extreme for me, but many people like that). My grandmother has six living children, one premature son who was way too early to even be close to having a chance of survival, and so many miscarriages I don’t remember the number. She thinks she may have carried triplets once(miscarriage) and also possible twins(she had bled and bled and lost a large mass of some sort…she however carried a baby to full term who weighed twelve pounds…she thinks she may have been carrying two, but lost one).
In all of my extended family no one has twins. My extended family is quite large and very close. My first cousin once removed is my age as is a second cousin, but we all feel like first cousins. When Paul and I found out that we were expecting a baby everyone was so excited!! My parents were excited because this would be their first grandchild. Both sets of my grandparents were excited because this would be their first great grandchild. My great-great-grandmother was excited because this would be her first great-great grandchild. When we found out we were having twins everyone was super excited. We recorded everyone’s reactions when we told them on the phone. We still have those recordings. It was a time of great excitement and fun. I was a little worried, but I felt so blessed and had faith that everything would work out. I just couldn’t believe that “I” would be the mother of twins. My childhood dream was coming true! My neighbor and her daughter (who was my matron of honor) brought over two matching outfits and card the day I found out we were having two. My aunt started planning a huge baby shower, and a lady in my church started planning one also. My pregnancy ended before the showers ever happened.
My grandmother was so excited and bragged to everyone she came in contact with; she is the type that can make friends with anyone from anywhere. She immediately started buying twin things. So did my mom. When I was in the hospital trying to keep the boys inside longer my grandma and my aunt went out and bought probably a dozen matching outfits. She sent them in a box and my mom hung them up across my hospital room for me to see...to give me hope. I still have Jacob’s outfits with the tags on them. I couldn’t bear to use them for Joshua, besides he already had his own…why have two the same? When I had my third son (he is now fifteen months old) I pulled out the baby boy clothes and there they were again...still untouched with the tags still on. I still couldn’t bear to use them. They are still there in a container. I don’t think they will ever get used. I tried to give them away, but I couldn’t do that either. I also was given the pile of flannel that my grandma had bought to make blankets for the boys…two of each. When my twins were born, my grandma and aunt rushed to the hospital (it was about six hours away). When Jacob died, they were there with us. So were my parents and Paul’s parents. My grandma’s heart broke. Her dream of twins was shattered. She held my little son and wept. Everyone wept.
My great-great grandmother was so happy when she found out we were having twins. She was 95 years old when I was pregnant with the twins. It had been her hope that one of her descendents would have twins because her grandfather had had two sets of them. Since those two sets no one had had any multiples. The first set of twins were born around March 25, 1895. Their mother (my great-grandmother’s grandma) died two days later. Both twins (girls) died about five months later. The second set was born to my great-great-great grandfather’s second wife. One twin (the boy) died before he reached a year and the girl twin lived to old age. I am my great grandma’s oldest great granddaughter, so it was really special to be carrying the long wanted twins. I remember going out to visit my great grandma when I was pregnant. I was so sick (nausea) on the drive there. I sat down next to her and she reached right over to feel my tummy. When I had the boys early, and then Jacob died I felt like I kind of let everyone down. I don’t feel that way anymore, and I know they didn’t expect anything. But it was disappointing and heartbreaking for everyone. My great grandma was so worried about them when they came early. She prayed and prayed. I remember my aunt telling me that grandma saw them standing so tall in missionary suits. My great grandmother is now 100 years old and has been on the point of death fro a couple months…. When she finally leaves this earth, I know she will see my son Jacob, one of the twins she had hoped for.
My husband has two sets of twin boy cousins. When Jacob died, his uncle and aunt brought their twin boys to Jacob’s funeral. It really hurt to see those two boys, especially since they were identical like mine were. I know they didn’t think it would hurt us…they are so sweet. What could they have done…leave there little boys home just because they happened to be twins? I don’t think so. Regardless, when ever I see his cousins, it reminds me of what my Joshua is missing out on…and what we are missing out on.
I see twins everywhere. It seems like they follow me. Get this….my daughter is in gymnastics. In her first class there were identical twin girls. I became friends with their mom. She recently got moved up to a different class. I was talking to one of the moms and the mom is an identical twin. In my daughter’s ballet/tap class there are twin girls in her class. This last week when I was visiting with one of the moms I found out that she was a twin herself. Then in walks a mom pushing a double stroller. I looked back and she had the cutest little identical twin baby boys. Last week when I was shopping I saw identical twin baby boys. I remember one day in particular when I saw three sets in the same store!!!!!!!!! We have had several different families over for dinner. We got to be good friends with one couple. We found out that the husband is an identical twin. We invited another couple over…that husband is an identical twin. We invited another couple over and that husband has a twin sister. There are two sets of twins (children) in our church. Many women at church are either married to a twin, had twins, or have twin grandchildren. At Joshua’s therapy a mom I was talking to has two sets of twins. I feel so surrounded by twins. At first it was really hard when I would see or hear about twins. I would cry. I remember once sitting in the NICU next to Joshua’s warmer. He was in his own special room because he was the sickest baby. I looked out the door and saw two new babies being brought in the NICU. Soon after, the excited family members filed in to look at the perfect baby girls. They were not born extremely early and needed no help to breath. I could tell they would quickly leave the NICU. I looked and my sick little Joshua. He was all alone. He was so sick and so small. He would never have his brother with him. They couldn’t wrestle like they did inside of me. They would never sleep in the same bed, play the same games…be best friends. I looked back out and that family was so happy. I felt so sad. It was a real struggle. I remember sitting there trying to make myself feel happy for that family. Since then things have gotten much better.
My uncle and his wife had a hard time conceiving a much wanted child. Finally they did. I was talking to my grandma and mentioned that I hope they have twins because they tried for so long and what if they never had another pregnancy. My grandma said, “No…they can’t, we are all waiting for you to have another set of twins first.” My mom has also had a really hard time dealing with others having twins or seeing twins. Currently she is able to deal with seeing them better. Inside though I think it will always sting a little. She misses her grandbaby so much that it hurts. Every time the twin’s birthday is here she gives me a little present in remembrance of Jacob. I know a lady who lost one of her twins to SIDS. She is never happy when someone has twins. It is very hard for her. It used to seem kind of strange to me…now I can understand why she felt the way she did. She hoped to have twins again, but she never did. When two of my cousins were expecting they had to have an extra ultrasound because they were measuring large for dates. They were suspected to have twins. No one told me, until later, because they didn’t want me to feel bad. As it turns out they didn’t have twins and neither did my uncle. I have really tried to feel happy for those blessed to have twins and have them live.
I would love to have twins again someday, but you can’t really control that. When I was pregnant with my daughter and then my youngest son, I hoped for twins…but it didn’t happen. I don’t want to replace my Jacob- Joshua duo, nothing ever could, but I still have those dreams of having two little babies at a time. I want to prove I can carry them longer than 25 weeks. I want to experience seeing them play together and be so close. In all actuality, it probably will never happen. I will always and forever be a mother of twins…even if they are not both with me here on this earth. In my religion we believe in an after life. We believe that we can be with our families again. We also have a belief that parents, if they follow God’s plan the best they can, will have the opportunity to raise their little children who have died. These things may sound odd and different, but I only share them so you can understand why I wrote some of the things I did. I look forward to the day I can see both of my twin sons next to each other, being the friends they were meant to be. Perhaps Jacob looks down on Joshua now.
When I am out and about, People always ask me if Joshua and Hannah are twins. They are the same weight, nearly the same height and have the exact same coloring. They are nearly two years apart, but Joshua is physically and emotionally behind. Hannah is tall for her age and mentally above her age. She is three and I have had people ask if she was six! In a way it makes me happy that people think they are twins (they certainly act like it) because it kind of fills that hole. In a way it makes me feel sad because I am supposed to have two older boys, not just one…and Hannah and Josh are not twins. I don’t want to force that role on them. When people ask me if they are twins it is hard to respond…I usually say, “No…these two are not each other’s twin, but my son here is a twin…we lost his twin brother at two days.” Then they are usually quiet or start asking questions. I never want my children to forget Jacob. I never want Josh to forget he has a twin brother. I don’t think they ever will.
I found two old journal entries that I wrote when Joshua was a baby. I thought I would share them and then finally end my twin blog.
August 31, 2001
There’s a big family here that just had twins. They are all so happy; I am sad. I miss my family, I miss my Jacob – I miss the dreams I had that can never be –
Today a lady asked me what my babies’ middle names were. I couldn’t remember Jacob’s at first. It made me feel terrible inside – like I was already forgetting him. It doesn’t even seem like he was here with me sometimes. It was so brief and I was so drugged up.
But I know he was because I saw him and his brother on the ultrasound. I felt him kick me – he was the more active one. I sang to them and they responded. On the 4th of July, they moved when they heard the fireworks.
Mom and Paul saw both of them born. They saw Jacob moving and heard Joshua cry.
I held my Jacob Andrew in my arms as he died – he looked at me when I spoke to him. He died looking at me.
He is real and he was here – it just seems like he wasn’t sometimes. God will let me have him back someday –then perhaps I can see my two boys –the boys I saw in my mind as tall, strong and valiant missionaries – Someday I’ll see them together again. All things will be made right and whole again.
February 14, 2002
Sometimes I wonder why…why are some people able to carry quadruplets or triplets or even septuplets and all their babies survive? How come their bodies could hold in 3-7 babies and mine couldn’t even hold in two? It doesn’t seem quite fair. I always see pictures of identical twins and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have my two boys, Jacob and Joshua, laying next to each other in their crib playing with each other and smiling and talking to one another. I still wish I could have those two cars eats in the back of my car. Maybe Heavenly Father will bless me with twins again---they would never replace my Joshua and Jacob duo or take the place of my lost son, but it might help fulfill those dreams I had. I find comfort in knowing Paul and I will be able to raise Jacob someday – my aching arms will be full.
Twins, twins, twins! I am sure many of you have felt and do feel the same way I have about your deceased children. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It has helped me a lot to share my thoughts.
Tiffany
COMMENTS
- Sep 30, 2006 6:20 PMTiffany,I am so very sorry for the devastating loss of Jacob and Joshua. Your love for them laces every word in your blog. And, I wish that you could be together as a typical family with newborns. Truly, I am so very sorry.I am a fraternal twin. My sisters are identical twins. And I have 3 surviving quadruplets. My mother was restricted to bedrest carrying her two sets of twins ... But had us all full term. I had my quadruplets at exactly 25 weeks with bedrest at 16 weeks. We lost our son Alex at 3 weeks old, in the NICU.Multiples are fun. We love them. Seeing them in public and on tv is a thrill. People are in love with many babies born at once.The truth is ... the human body is not made to carry more baby than one. Because of this, there are many *many* twins delivered into an NICU. And many twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc. die ... or at least some die at the hospital.You did not let your babies down. And they wanted to stay. I am sure of it.Having multiples makes for a very difficult pregnancy. You did everything you could to get your babies here healthy and safe. Please remember, I believe there are far more multiple pregnancies that are difficult or go very wrong .... than there are ones that go exactly right. You did your very best.Take care. Keep us posted. I am thinking about you.Warmly,Melissa
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