Rewinding the past
Nov 15, 2006 5:11 AM
I have been meaning to write about this, but have been so busy. The five year anniversary of my twin's due date just happened. November 11, 2001 was their due date. Every year as it rolls around I rememeber what was supposed to be. On the 11th (three days ago) my husband asked me, "Do you remember what today it? The boy's due date!" I am glad he remembers. To this day when people ask when Joshua's birthday is I pause and think. My mind automatically goes to Novemeber, then I have to stop and rethink, "No, his birthday is in July." I wonder if it will be like this forever?
I wish my boys would have been born in November...so they could both be here with me and have no medical conditions. We live in a fast paced world full of technology. Sometimes I wish I could just back up and "REWIND" life like you can a movie. Sometimes I find my mind going back and trying to "REWIND" what happened. I go through the process of trying to place guilt on someone...usually I end with myself. Inside my head, I reason with myself that it isn't my fault that they came so early, but at times I feel it is. My husband reasons with me that I was a first time mother and having twins...what else was I supposed to do but listen to my doctor?
As I ponder in my "REWIND" world I think about what the outcome would have been if I would have listened to that nagging feeling inside and ignored the doctor's advice. If I would have just changed doctors or just driven to the E.R. In my "REWIND" world I imagine that I changed doctors to a more attentive one. I imagine being on bedrest for a long boring time...enjoying each boxing match the boys had inside of me (instead of fearing and dreading it because it brought on contractions and more labor stopping medications). I eat cherry pie and watch movies and patiently await their expected due date of November 11, 2001. I would reach down and touch my growing belly and smile (instead I was told not to touch my stomach at all becasue it brought on contractions). In my "REWIND" world, the boys would be born healthy and strong. They would both be placed in my arms and I would hold BOTH of them at once. Then my mind fast forwards to now Novemeber 2006. If both my boys were here, at church we would have four kids sitting on the bench with us at church. My boys owuld be sitting next to eachother whispering and smiling. They would rough house and beg to do Jui-Jit-Su with thier uncle (Josh is not allowed to do any contact sports or sports with hard balls...doctor's orders). When their daddy got home at the end of the day, all the kids would run up and wrestle him.
Well...then my "REWIND" world ends. reality hits and I can't go back and change anything. None of those things I imagine can or will ever be. I feel lucky to at least have carried the boys as far as I did. At least I have ultrasound pictures and movies with them together. At least I have two pictures of the boys together. Joshua's nurse and Jacob's nurse took them for us after they carried Jacob's body back to the NICU after he died. He was dead in the picture and of corse Joshua was alive, but those pictures help. On the bottom of the polariod pictures the nurses took, they wrote "Brothers Forever."
Even though Jacob is in Heaven and Joshua is here, they will be special brothers forever. I will always and forever be Jacob's Mama. I can hardly believe five years have gone by.
Thanks for reading,
Tiffany
I wish my boys would have been born in November...so they could both be here with me and have no medical conditions. We live in a fast paced world full of technology. Sometimes I wish I could just back up and "REWIND" life like you can a movie. Sometimes I find my mind going back and trying to "REWIND" what happened. I go through the process of trying to place guilt on someone...usually I end with myself. Inside my head, I reason with myself that it isn't my fault that they came so early, but at times I feel it is. My husband reasons with me that I was a first time mother and having twins...what else was I supposed to do but listen to my doctor?
As I ponder in my "REWIND" world I think about what the outcome would have been if I would have listened to that nagging feeling inside and ignored the doctor's advice. If I would have just changed doctors or just driven to the E.R. In my "REWIND" world I imagine that I changed doctors to a more attentive one. I imagine being on bedrest for a long boring time...enjoying each boxing match the boys had inside of me (instead of fearing and dreading it because it brought on contractions and more labor stopping medications). I eat cherry pie and watch movies and patiently await their expected due date of November 11, 2001. I would reach down and touch my growing belly and smile (instead I was told not to touch my stomach at all becasue it brought on contractions). In my "REWIND" world, the boys would be born healthy and strong. They would both be placed in my arms and I would hold BOTH of them at once. Then my mind fast forwards to now Novemeber 2006. If both my boys were here, at church we would have four kids sitting on the bench with us at church. My boys owuld be sitting next to eachother whispering and smiling. They would rough house and beg to do Jui-Jit-Su with thier uncle (Josh is not allowed to do any contact sports or sports with hard balls...doctor's orders). When their daddy got home at the end of the day, all the kids would run up and wrestle him.
Well...then my "REWIND" world ends. reality hits and I can't go back and change anything. None of those things I imagine can or will ever be. I feel lucky to at least have carried the boys as far as I did. At least I have ultrasound pictures and movies with them together. At least I have two pictures of the boys together. Joshua's nurse and Jacob's nurse took them for us after they carried Jacob's body back to the NICU after he died. He was dead in the picture and of corse Joshua was alive, but those pictures help. On the bottom of the polariod pictures the nurses took, they wrote "Brothers Forever."
Even though Jacob is in Heaven and Joshua is here, they will be special brothers forever. I will always and forever be Jacob's Mama. I can hardly believe five years have gone by.
Thanks for reading,
Tiffany
COMMENTS
- Nov 15, 2006 5:22 AMThis is the first time that I have read your blog- I don't know your whole story, but this excerpt of your life made me cry. There are many days that I wish I could rewind and start over and have things come out perfectly and in a perfect world, we would be able to. I am sure that your heart still aches for your little angel that didn't live. Thank you for sharing your blog- it touched my heart.
- Nov 15, 2006 9:54 PM"Rewind" - that is a good term for what I do... I also play the rewind game; what would I do differently, what would it be like if I were still pregnant today instead of mourning, where would I be parking my big behind today as I "struggle" through another day of bedrest... What would Christmas be like next year w/3 kids instead of 2...Yes, I understand "Rewind" and all the joys that we experience in this "other" world; and the harsh reality of the now...I'm so sorry that you have cause to ever wonder what could have been.I thank you for sharing this w/us though; there are so very many of us who do this same thing... It's nice to know we're not alone.Thinking of you,Becky
- Nov 17, 2006 3:09 AMYou call your world your "rewind" world. In my mind - it's called my "perfect world". In that world, I have all 3 of my kids. Not 2.Reality is that sometimes life just stinks. Noone should lose a child, it's just not supposed to happen that way.But it does...and we are all here because of it.I'll be thinking good thoughts for you -Denise
- Nov 18, 2006 5:07 AMTiffany,I know things would be so much simpler, so much more "the way it's supposed to be" if we could only turn back the clock. It is unfortunate we can not do that, and we have to *accept* (a stage of grief) the way things are. Boy I know how hard it is to accept what happened, but you did not have a choice, and the what-ifs and the whys will do nothing but drain you emotionally and physically. You love your children both of them and even though little Jacob is not here on this earth, he is in your heart and you can look at Joshua and know he is there-he is with your family.HUGS,Colleen
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