Marshmallow Babies
Dec 13, 2006 11:09 AM
I was thinking today and I remembered something from when Joshua was in the NICU. I thought I would share it, since I am sure many of you have had the same thoughts.
When Josh was in the NICU my Mom stayed with me for a little while while I was recovering. I had a room at the Ronald McDonald House that I was staying in. She would drive me to the NICU daily to see Joshua.
The birthing floor was on the same floor as the NICU. When you got off the elevator you would go to the right if you wanted to go to the NICU or to the rooms with mom's trying to remain pregnant. You would walk left to go to the newborn nursery and the rooms with fullterm moms in labor or having just had a baby. So basically, everything was really close.
I remember walking up to the glass and looking in at those "fat" full term babies. My mom and I called them the "marshmallow babies." They looked so overblown...like someone had hooked them up to a tire pump and started pumping. I watched their little arms trying to move out of their tightly swaddled blankets. I watched as one of them would open up it's big mouth and cry. It sounded so wonderful. My little baby couldn't even make sound because of the ventilator tube down his throat.
I had real mixed feelings. I just love babies. I always have. I was the little girl at all the family gatherings that could get any baby to sleep. I had always wanted many children. I wanted other people to be happy and have sweet babies too. But as I said before, I was having mixed feelings.
I looked at those "marshmallow babies" and felt joy for whoever that baby belonged to; here they had a perfect little one straight from Heaven. However, I was also sad. I was supposed to have two big fat perfect twin boys. where were they? One had died......the other one was laying in the NICU with a grade 3+ brain bleed, unable to breath, eat or drain his own cerebral spinal fluid. I wanted to be angry at those other parents because they had perfect babies and I didn't. I wanted my babies whole and well....not dead and sickly. Well, I just couldn't feel too mad...why should every parent have to be sad and worried about their babies just because I was? I felt happy for them, but I was sad for me.
I remember talking to my mom and crying. I asked her if she thought I would ever have a big fat "marshmallow baby." At the time it didn't seem possible. When I was done looking, I would walk down to the NICU. I would dress, scrub and then walk past all the sick babies and right to mine...the sickest and smallest of them all.
I continued to visit the window with the fullterm babies throughout Joshua's stay. I think in a way it was therapeutic for me. It helped me relearn to be happy for those whose babies were fullterm and perfect. Since then I have had two of my very own fullterm perfect "marshmallow babies"....something I never dreamed would be possible. I feel so blessed.
Thanks for reading...and good night.
Tiffany
When Josh was in the NICU my Mom stayed with me for a little while while I was recovering. I had a room at the Ronald McDonald House that I was staying in. She would drive me to the NICU daily to see Joshua.
The birthing floor was on the same floor as the NICU. When you got off the elevator you would go to the right if you wanted to go to the NICU or to the rooms with mom's trying to remain pregnant. You would walk left to go to the newborn nursery and the rooms with fullterm moms in labor or having just had a baby. So basically, everything was really close.
I remember walking up to the glass and looking in at those "fat" full term babies. My mom and I called them the "marshmallow babies." They looked so overblown...like someone had hooked them up to a tire pump and started pumping. I watched their little arms trying to move out of their tightly swaddled blankets. I watched as one of them would open up it's big mouth and cry. It sounded so wonderful. My little baby couldn't even make sound because of the ventilator tube down his throat.
I had real mixed feelings. I just love babies. I always have. I was the little girl at all the family gatherings that could get any baby to sleep. I had always wanted many children. I wanted other people to be happy and have sweet babies too. But as I said before, I was having mixed feelings.
I looked at those "marshmallow babies" and felt joy for whoever that baby belonged to; here they had a perfect little one straight from Heaven. However, I was also sad. I was supposed to have two big fat perfect twin boys. where were they? One had died......the other one was laying in the NICU with a grade 3+ brain bleed, unable to breath, eat or drain his own cerebral spinal fluid. I wanted to be angry at those other parents because they had perfect babies and I didn't. I wanted my babies whole and well....not dead and sickly. Well, I just couldn't feel too mad...why should every parent have to be sad and worried about their babies just because I was? I felt happy for them, but I was sad for me.
I remember talking to my mom and crying. I asked her if she thought I would ever have a big fat "marshmallow baby." At the time it didn't seem possible. When I was done looking, I would walk down to the NICU. I would dress, scrub and then walk past all the sick babies and right to mine...the sickest and smallest of them all.
I continued to visit the window with the fullterm babies throughout Joshua's stay. I think in a way it was therapeutic for me. It helped me relearn to be happy for those whose babies were fullterm and perfect. Since then I have had two of my very own fullterm perfect "marshmallow babies"....something I never dreamed would be possible. I feel so blessed.
Thanks for reading...and good night.
Tiffany
COMMENTS
- Dec 13, 2006 7:19 PMLuckily for me - the NICU where the girls were was the opposite direction from the regular nursery. I"m not sure I could have stopped and looked at all the full term babies every day.Having a preemie is rough - losing a child is even harder. It's not the way life is supposed to be. WE should ALL be having marshmallow babies!Take care -Denise
- Dec 13, 2006 7:19 PMOK...I intended to say the the NICU WAS in the opposite direction from the regular nursery. Oops!
- Dec 13, 2006 9:06 PMOur NICU is actually on a floor all to itself (well w/the blood lab)... There is no need to ever see pregnant people, or babies other than those in the NICU. I do thank God for small favors!However, the OB Bereavement office is on the maternity floor... To go & pickup the pics of my Jadyn I had to walk past the nursery filled w/screaming babies and rooms filled w/happy mommies and their healthy newborns. THAT could have been planned differently, I think!I agree... I pray for the day when all mommies are given their big fat "marshmallow" babies, and prematurity is a thing of the past.Thanks for sharing this with us...Becky
- Dec 13, 2006 10:35 PMOur NICU was a floor about the newborn nursery, so I was able to avoid it. Though it was hard to stop in the elevator on level 3 each day as happy new parents exited to see their fat babies.........and I continued up a floor to see my 1 and 2 pounders.My husband told me much later that he stopped by the newborn nursery window most days, in hopes that his boys would look that big when they left the NICU some day.-Shonda
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